What the Producer Said to the Account Exec, The Sixth Sense

In Hollywood, the “Rider” is a clause in an artist’s contract detailing specific “needs” (read: demands) they want to have met during the course of the working relationship.  Historically, riders were added to ensure contracts were actually being read, and promoters were handling things professionally.  Meaning, if there aren’t ten bottles of Vittel bottled water in my dressing room with the caps half-way twisted off, how am I going to trust you to take care of real stuff.

Riders range from the mundane such as Lady Gaga’s request for bendy straws, to the curious reason why Barbra Streisand likes rose petals in her toilet bowl; to the legendary “no trees” request by Paul McCartney, and Billy Bob Thornton’s “no antique furniture” clause.

So, here’s what.  Famous musicians do not have the franchise on contract riders. We have them in advertising too.  However, most are passed down by word of mouth, kind of like the Mosou language China…but without the cool spirituality.

Why not write them down?  Because much like the request for no brown M&M’s in the dressing room (Van Halen), they tend to seem incredibly silly and self-serving. But, in the minds of Clients, they are necessary to ensure you are “detail-oriented”.

So, here are the top five ACTUAL (unwritten) riders I’ve had to adhere to.

Rider #5

“No one is to speak directly to the Client. Even if he is looking directly at you while he’s NOT speaking to you."  This became a problem when I ran into my Client in the hall and he DIDN’T ask me where the mens room was.

Rider #4

“All written correspondence between the Client and agency must be set in 12 point Palatino font type, or else it will not be acknowledged.”   Do you have any idea how hard it is to hand-write a note in Pala-freaking-Tino?

Rider #3

“No single meeting can last longer than 30 minutes.”  To ensure this, my Client would literally place a stopwatch on the table and stare at it while we spoke.  This made for very awkward bathroom chats.

Rider #2

“When traveling, agency employees are not allowed to have better hotel rooms or seats on the plane.” This literally made me have to switch seats with my non-frequent-flyer-card-having Client on a cross-country trip. (But I kept the deluxe mixed nuts and the hot towel).

And finally…

Rider #1

“Chopsticks must be available as an option to flatware.”  I had a Client who had an aversion to putting metal in his mouth.  He ate all of his meals with chopsticks.  In order to make him seem semi-normal, the agency always provided chopsticks with every meal.  You wanna try eating a turkey club with two sticks and tell me how that works out for you?

The point being, every Client comes with a rider.  Take it seriously.  They’re not crazy (well, not usually. Bob, you ARE crazy!). They’re just making sure you’re paying attention.  Paying attention is what keeps them paying retainers! 

And, fade to black.